Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?" Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G#minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!" She claims, "that might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!" Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? Counterpoint.

How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Give him some sheet music.

What's the first thing a jazz musician says when you meet him/her at work?
"Would you like fries with that?"

What's the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver?
The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses' asses.

A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I can't make the actual performance."

"Glissando": a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

"Bar line": a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a jazz musician or two.

"Diminished fifth": an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

"Perfect fifth: a full bottle of Jack Daniels.

"Cut time": When everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are.

"Clef": what you try never to fall off of.

"Bass clef": where you wind up if you do fall off.

"Cello": the proper way to answer the phone.

"Accidentals": wrong notes.

"Crotchet":
1:a tritone with a bent prong.
2:like knitting, only faster.

"Interval": how long it takes to find the right note. Actually, there are three kinds:
"Major interval": a long time.
"Minor interval": a few bars.
"Inverted interval": when you have to go back a bar and try again.

Fred has been playing the bass in a rock group for 12 years, three months and seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by the equation: (total days in the group) x 0.0076. Assuming he stopped practising altogether four years, six months and three days ago, how long will it be before he is completely unable to play the bass?

A young child says to his mother, "Mummy, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "I'm afraid you can't do both."


Q: What's the difference between a musician and a pizza pie?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.


Q:What's the difference between a musician and an investment?
A:The investment eventually matures and earns money.


There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.


Q: What's the definition of a quarter-tone?
A: Two fretless bass players playing in unison.

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.


Q: What did the drummer say to the singer?
A: Do you want me to count this in too fast or too slow.


Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.


Two cowboys were waiting in their fort for the Indians to attack. They listened to the distant pounding war drums. One cowboy muttered to the other, "I don't like the sound of them drums." Just then, a distant voice came over the hill, "It's not our usual drummer!"

Q: How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
A: Ask him to play the section louder

Q:. How do you get a drummer to play an rallentando?
A: You guessed it!

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music shop, walks in, approaches the sales assistant, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion." The sales assistant looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but we need the radiator".

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?" The man says, "I was a doctor." St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher." "Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician." "Go around the side, up the lift, through the kitchen, up another flight of stairs..."


A guitar player walks into his rehearsal room to find his drummer and bass player fighting. He breaks the fight up and asks the bass player why they were fighting. The Bass player tells him that the drummer had de-tuned one of his bass strings. The singer says " That's no reason to fight", the bass player says "Yes it is, He won't tell me which string it was."


Q: How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
A: Put some sheet music in front of him.


Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
A: New Age music.


Q: Know how to make a million dollars playing jazz?
A: Start with two million.


A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God wants his girlfriend to sing."


Q: Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
A: Friend: "I hope so."


Q: What is a burning oboe good for?
A: Setting a bassoon on fire.

Q: What do you call a musician with a pager?
A: An optimist

Q: What's the difference between a dead rabbit in the road and a dead agent in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the rabbit.


In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"

Q: What's the range of a banjo?
A: Twenty yards, if you've got a strong arm.

Two rock musicians are walking past a bar... (Well, it could happen!)


Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune sax player, an out-of-tune sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player. The other two indicate you've been hallucinating.

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

Q: How do you know when a violin is out-of-tune?
A: When the bow's moving.